Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Coffeeshops and conundrums

Last night The Founder worked late, while I was fraternizing at the gym... and he still stopped by the store to get food to cook dinner for us, while it was my job to get the movie and it took me longer to do that than it took him to get the food! (I got a phone call, then I couldn't find the movie, then Blockbuster couldn't find my name...) See what I mean about feeling like I contribute nothing to the relationship?

Nonetheless, he keeps on wanting to spend time with me, which continues to surprise me. And I'm starting to like it! Tonight we both have work to do (I have homework, ahem), so we're going to go to a coffeeshop--part of my research for an upcoming article in the mag--with wifi and do our work. SO cute! (Gagaciously cute)

Am I the only person who thinks Coffeeshop is one word? Spell check keeps redlining me for not putting a space between, but I think if I do it just because a shop of coffee, not a veritable hangout! Maybe that's just me.

So Mr. Everything and I are corresponding about our parties and it turns out he's playing in the same 3-on-3 bball tourney I am this weekend, which is why he won't throw his party on Friday night and come to mine on Saturday. Understandable. We're going to beat his team though--my team is shaping up quite nicely, and we're even practicing tomorrow.

Of course, if it comes down to it and I have to reintroduce Mr. Everything and The Founder, do I drop the boyfriend bomb? It's not how I introduced him the first time around, so why would I do it this time? At the same time though, I don't want to lead Mr. Everything on... argh. Quite the conundrum. This is why you don't label people! And despite my telling The Founder that I now call him my boyfriend, I haven't since. Ironic.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Friends

Two of my very best friends are coming into town this weekend! Dallas just decided when I (accidentally) sent her the evite for the party the roomie and I are throwing this weekend, so she decided to come. I'm super super excited to see her, but at the same time, I was excited to spend time with Houston, and she and I have been planning her trip for months! So it just is a tad bit of a bummer.

Ironically, I'm playing volleyball with Mr. Everything and other friends on Sunday and invite them all to my party, but Mr. Everything says HE's throwing a party. So we fight, and then he emails (got it from his friend? effort!) to talk about combining our parties. My response is to email him the evite. Teehee.

But I am a bit worried, because only my girl friends and my boyfriend have RSVPed! WTF? Is the you-can-only-wear-a-sheet theme throwing them off? Have some fun with it people!

Tonight me and The Founder finally get to hang out alone! Yay!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Weekend Recap: the boat, the dinner, the parents

In a weekend where we spent a lot of time together, I don't feel like I saw The Founder all that much. Everything we did was group-related, which was fun, but also hard when we don't get that much un-rushed time together in the first place.

Fridays are me time, even though he technically could have hung out this particular one... I like having Fridays for me established. Saturday we rented a boat and took three of his friends and three of my friends out on the lake. It was super fun, but I mainly hung out with the girls. Saturday night we went out to dinner with a ton of his friends who were in town (one of whom is staying with him, which comes into play in a moment), and that big of a group was just awkward, so me and the roommate split off and went to see our bartender at Prague.

The group came to join us finally, but the roomie and I were pretty drunk at that point, so we probably were not all that friendly. Our bartender treats us right... or maybe it's not so good after all to have the hookup. Anyway, The Founder wanted to come spend the night at my house, but HIS roommate (who is far less cool than mine, gay, twice our age, and mildly possessive) said that he wasn't comfortable with The Founder's friend staying without TF (sort of understandable), but also didn't want me staying over with TF's friend there (not understable).

Now, you can imagine parts of this are hazy given the shots and beers in which I partook, but I'm pretty sure I held in my resentment of his roommate pretty well while being sufficiently annoyed that he would not come home and sleep with me. There was also apparently a 20 minute phone conversation once we were in our respective homes, but I'm pretty sure that went well because all I remember is talking in soft tones about how much we wished we were together (gross! who am I?!).

Last night I invited him over for this recipe I had been wanting to try, but then found out my brother was leaving town today, so we both went over to my parents' house for dinner with the fam... also the first time he meets my dad. He told me afterward that he was really nervous. My dad loved him and said he was really sweet, my mom already knows him but was excited to hear more about his life because he talked more than he did before (because he was nervous... awww!)

So I'm kind of afraid now that The Founder is not going to like me. It's like, he takes care of me, cooks for me, comes to my house, pays for me (boat! tubing! buys me and the roomie drinks!)... what do I do for him? I don't even know what to do for him, as in, a thing, but he obviously still likes me, I'm just being insecure. Because I don't know how to be in a relationship! Ugh.

But we're hopefully hanging out tomorrow night, solo. :-)

Friday, August 10, 2007

"Can we call him your boyfriend yet?"

"Hey, I called you my boyfriend twice today."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. It was weird."
"Who did you say it to?"
"Well one was my ex-boyfriend, because I was inviting him to the thing and didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I was like, oh, my boyfriend organized and I helped!"
"You helped a lot."
"No, you did it all."
"Who was the other?"
"The photographer I met with. I was telling him all about run club and told him, 'my boyfriend actually started it, so this is shameless advertising.'"
"So you didn't like saying it?"
"No, it was just weird. I'm not used to it."
"Yeah," says the Founder, "I got the idea that you didn't really like the boyfriend/titles thing, so I tried to just stay away from it."
"That's why I like you," I say.

I'm straddling The Founder after we've gone swimming and taken a shower post-margarita race (which I won in the female category) and feel the urge to tell him this. It's weighing heavily on my soul that I called him my boyfriend. That I was the one to bring titles into the mix.

At some point in the conversation, The Founder uttered the most fantastic words he ever could have said to me, with my psyche, "I like what we have. I don't care what it's called."

Amazing.

Now I just want to hear him call me his girlfriend... sick, isn't it?

But fantastic. My roommate was asking yesterday, "Can we call him your boyfriend yet?" and I 'fessed up that I had twice that day and she laughed. But The Founder is absolutely amazing. My ex was at the run last night and was definitely hanging around me a lot (and I failed to mention that he has my initial tattooed on his arm with tears coming out of it... awesome), but The Founder was totally cool about it and just let me do my thing. He's ridiculously awesome.

He did tell me that he used to date one of the other girls that comes to run club--but she walks. But they dated for 4 1/2 years, 2 years ago, and he's been single since. He says for the last year and a half it was pretty much over, as he wasn't here and they were just sort of holding on. So that's cool that he told me, and funny that we both have exes at run club, though his is obviously more serious. Oh, funny times last night at the run--my current boyfriend, my high school ex boyfriend, and R., my ambiguously ex dating partner, all on the same patio. Totally cool though, which is a testament to everyone involved.

I kind of want to run around and tell people that The Founder is my boyfriend. I won't of course, but even that I kind of want to is ridic!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Cable Guy(s)

There's not a lot to say today... which is good. I rarely get days off from the drama that is being 22 (almost 23!), outgoing, and mildly attractive.

OH WAIT! There was the two cable guys who came to install my cable and digital phone line (really? it takes two?) and talked to me a bit before the one said that I didn't look old enough to live in my condo. "How old are you?" he asked.

"23," I said.

"You look veeeeeery young."

Ok, great. Not a good story in itself, but THEN his installment partner is giving me the number to my new phone and as I'm writing it down says, "you can write mine down too." I sort of look at him, puzzled, and he says, "In case anything is wrong with the phone once you plug it in."

Right.

I can always count on the men of Austin. Thank you.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

"She gets wine AND flowers? What have you done with my roommate?"

The Founder's roommate said to him when he came over last night bearing the aforementioned flowers and wine, "what have you done with my roommate?" I said, "where did you come from?!"

I arrived an hour late at the airport, got home at 8:30 on a work night, and he still came over with a green bean casserole, ensalata caprese, and a FIVE POUND pork loin. The kid is ridiculous! And amazing. And he packed a bag last night, which was super cute in a dorky, cheesy way that only new couples think is cute. I suppose afterwhile it just becomes practical.

Speaking of couples, I continued to refer to The Founder as my boyfriend--ISH! throughout the entire weekend, but that got old. So ironically enough, I had forwarded an evite for a run The Founder planned to the ex I ran into downtown the other night, and he RSVPed yes and then sent me an email asking about LA. I wrote back with the usual "fun trip!" and then also said that I was glad he was coming to the run, "my boyfriend planned it and I helped a little."

... because if I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, he might think I'm leading him on. But of course when I do tell him I have a boyfriend, he doesn't respond to my email. Not a good situation, but better nipped in the bud. Also notable for being the first time I refer to The Founder as my boyfriend without an ISH attached. The dude brought wine, flowers and dinner to me when I arrived home from a flight... who but a boyfriend would do that??

Sunday, August 5, 2007

The things I learned in a weekend in LA

I'm in LA, and tomorrow we're headed home. It's been fun, my movie premiere was awesome and I looked glamourous, so that was all good. But I ended up really missing The Founder. RJ (my friend that lives here and often text messages me and has a girlfriend but recently told me he wished we could get together but I would never like him anyway) wanted to hang out the first night we were here, but I wasn't really into it, and I thought it was because I was so tired. But then the next night I sort of blew him off again, and I was kind of like, oh, so this is what it's like to not think about other possibilities... that boyfriend. ISH.

...of course, then I called Dick. Dick is a fella I met out here in LA when I was living here last summer. We met playing basketball and sparks flew between us, but our one planned date I had to cancel because I was working on the movie, and we never went out after that. He was very ambigious about us anyway, clearly very attracted to me but holding back for some reasons, so once I "blew him off" (FOR WORK!), he backed off. And it sort of wasn't worth it because I lived here so shortly, but at the same time, he was one of the few guys I've felt super strongly about EVER. I remember countless conversations with my parents on the phone, some tearful, one where I was outright bawling. There was just an incredible attraction between us.

Since then, he's gotten a girlfriend he professes to adore on facebook and I've only recently gotten my boyfriend. ISH. Anyway, he's absolutely gorgeous too, by the way, and his girlfriend is stereotypically perfect--ugh. However, he did text me out of the blue like three months ago about the country CDs I sent him and thanked me again... questionable. So naturally, I called him to invite him to the premiere or to the bar afterward, and he texted me back and said "In vegas with gf, hope you have fun though..." What the f do the ellipses mean? And why wouldn't you say "my gf"? Overanalyzing, I know, but this is what I do with this silly man named Dick.

Luckily, my silly man The Founder is super amazing and texted me tonight to ask if he could make me dinner when I get home tomorrow night. Seriously, WHERE DID HE COME FROM?! I'm gonna wanna crash, not eat dinner! Although I have no food at the house, so I wouldn't be eating dinner if he didn't come over regardless of whether I wanted to or not. AND it was super duper cute last night, I said something about wishing he was with me and he said, "you miss my meep face!" Hahaha, I do miss his meep face!

:-D So LA may have brought up a lot of old memories and thoughts of Dick, but it also reminded me that I'm not really interested in anyone but The Founder... I'm excited to get home and see my meep.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Birthday Dinner for the Roommate

So last night we went out for my roommate's birthday. She said she didn't care if I invited The Founder or not, but then she was telling me about who was coming and many of them were couples, and I didn't want her to become the only one without a date, so I told The Founder the deal and he didn't mind not coming--he doesn't like sushi anyway, and that's where we were going. By the end of the night though I was wanting him around and texted him all cute, "am I going to get to see you before I leave?" (I'm going to LA tonight for my movie premiere on Saturday) and so he suggested we meet up for lunch today.

I agreed, but I'm leaving early to catch my flight, so I explained that it had to be a short lunch. The restaurant we met at was super crowded, so we drove to another, faster one and snagged sandwiches, but by then it was too late and we had to get them to go. But he still paid! It was super cute, but I feel really bad about it. I mean, buying food that you eat together is one thing; buying food I eat alone at my desk is quite another. He's so ridiculously good to me.

I was talking to my girl friend in Houston--who knows my dating habits--and she was listening to me talk about how I have a boyfriend-ish but how I was struggling with the whole Mr. Everything thing and she said, "well, you'll know soon enough whether you want to be with him long term." I was puzzled, but then I realized that she's pretty much right. I'll know soon enough, so there's no reason to be rash and think Mr. Everything is worth giving this all up--because he's probably not.

And doesn't the fact that I wanted to kiss him all the way through "lunch," ahem, us standing in the parking lot, mean something?

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

A date at Vivo

Let me begin by saying that I really don't like dates. They stress me out because I get worried about how I look, how I talk, what he's thinking... and when I get worried, I am not fun. Not weird or anything, just not as fun as I normally am. But my date with The Founder last night was AMAZING.

Part of it is my comfort level with The Founder, part of it is probably growing up, part of it is Vivo, which is PERFECT for dates, and part of it is just, well, fun. We had delicious and strong margaritas in the bar while we waited for an outside table, and then we had delicious food--my chicken tacos were delicious, stuffed too full, served with guac (yes!) AND the rice is brown rice. Couldn't get any better. Another margarita and good, serious conversation about our families later and I am ready to wrap The Founder up and take him home.

...which I do, obviously. :-) Perhaps I should go on dates more often...

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Sharing the wealth

Last night I had a volleyball game, and it sucked because my team was being divisive. Mr. Everything's best friend and I were trying to play real volleyball, while the other guy was just trying to hit it over from everywhere on the court. Ugh! But the bigger thing is the fact that Mr. Everything was there... not that I was looking... but I did catch him looking over at my court once--which, of course, is also the court of his best friend, so that doesn't MEAN anything.

But then after the game he came over to us and said something to his best friend, then said hey to me and gave me a HUGE side hug... I mean, this was a super affectionate side hug. Then he hugged his best friend's fiancee--just to make it natural and all. Later he revealed that he had indeed been drinking (as our volleyball league is what is known as a "beer league") so that could explain the exuberance. But he was disappointed I wasn't going to the bar after the game, and frankly, so was I. Which put me in a terrible mood the rest of the evening.

Which brings me to my point, my frustration with being interested in this random person I do not know when I have a wonderful man in my life. We're going on a date tonight. :-D And I think the interest in Mr. Everything is just because I like the chase and all, but I wish I had a good friend to set him up with... I wish I had friends that liked the guys I meet, because I meet a lot and need to be sharing the wealth. Speaking of, my roommate was complaining that she doesn't meet men like our other friend and I do and I felt sort of bad, but at the same time, she doesn't go out with new people! I am super busy because I am running around meeting new people playing sports and going out with other friends or new friends or whoever. I wish some of that would rub off on her. And I wish some of her staying home would rub off on me!

Monday, July 30, 2007

How does someone who doesn't want a boyfriend get so many?

The dichotomy continues, despite the fact that I told them both about the other. R. came and hung out with me and my roommate Friday night, and when I told him that I was dating The Founder, he said that he already knew. He went on to say that it hurt him a lot to see me with other guys at that party we both went to, but I said that I wasn't even into The Founder then--but also apologized, not wanting to have hurt him. He said it was fine. Then he was like, "but you don't like The Founder that much, do you?" and I was kind of taken aback and was like, "I like him a lot, actually." And then he was mostly fine for the rest of the night, except that he kept predicting bad weather for mine and The Founder's tubing outing the next day and that he was super stingy paying for dinner, which frustrated the hell out of my roommate.

Tubing was a lot of fun, and then going out with The Founder was a lot of fun. We acted very couple-y, even holding hands walking down Sixth Street, which is rare for me (you'll recall that R. and I did that and it was a big deal to me). Naturally, we ran into my high school boyfriend on the street, and it was actually really fun to see him. He looked happy, which makes me happy because he hasn't always been. He was a super sweet kid, and I wouldn't mind being friends again. Unfortunately he emailed me today and said something sweet about my beautiful smile, which is nice to hear but probably indicates that he did not in fact notice that I was holding hands with my "boyfriend."

Laying in bed Saturday night I asked The Founder if he was what they call a boyfriend and he said "I don't know, do you want me to be?" and I said, "I don't know." And he said, "why do you ask?" and I said, "lots of people were asking me and I didn't know what to say." At the bar we were at earlier people were asking and I didn't know how to answer, so I gave really awkward answers and my friends made fun of me. Oh well. So we didn't settle that, and I can't believe I was the one to ask the question! Ha. But that's another reason I like him, because despite the fact that he wants to spend all his time ever with me and I don't know if I can handle it, he doesn't need labels, and he is laid back about the existence of an us.

I think it's a bit ironic that he's pretty much the most serious relationship I've had since the high school boyfriend (THE EX was never really a relationship as much as a shit show) and then we see the high school boyfriend. Ohhh speaking of relationship, yesterday I played volleyball for FIVE HOURS and one of my teammates brought his best friend, who is tall and hot and funny and was friendly to me (and I laughed when he mentioned basketball and I asked him if he played and he quickly added, oh, I play everything, baseball, basketball, football...) So then Mr. Everything made me question if I really liked The Founder... and then I realized that this is the part of things that always get me--it's not so much that I want something as much as I don't want to miss out on something. And I'm sure Mr. Everything is a nice, great guy, but he couldn't be as wonderful as The Founder...

He's been bugging me about what I'm doing on my birthday, because it's his best friend's wedding. He finally came right out today and asked me if I would come with him, even though he doubts it is the most thing for me to do on my birthday. I said I would go, I'm not that into my birthday in the first place, and anyway I like him, so of course I would want to go.

Right, so we're not sure if he's my boyfriend...

Friday, July 27, 2007

Coming clean

Finally, it's Friday! I'm feeling less sick, so that's good, and I got two of the issues off my chest last night with The Founder. Sweet thing brought over food for me and watched Dazed and Confused and then slept over, all with my sniffly self. We're laying in bed and I finally just sucked it up: "Can I tell you about two things?"

So I go into R. first, and tell him that we used to date and are very good friends and I just wanted him to know in case anything came up. He asked if it was awkward between me and R. and I said 'not at all, but I mean, I haven't had this conversation with him, and I don't think he knows, so I have to tell him,' and that was sort of awkward between me and The Founder. I also told him the whole story behind my best friend dying, and he said the most perfect thing anyone could say: "I don't know how to help you, but I want to be there for you and do whatever I can when you feel bad."

I almost cried. It's so totally opposite of the reaction the kid I was dating had way back when, and it's so opposite the reaction anyone has had... normally when they don't know what to do, they do nothing (ahem, my alleged best girl friend who didn't talk to me for three weeks), not address the fact that they don't know what to do... amazing. That boy/man is just ridiculously amazing.

Tomorrow should be an epic day... possibly floating the river, being his date to a party, and then seeing the Spazmatics out at a bar. Fun!

A side note, I got a wax yesterday and was hoping to put it to use last night, but NADA. Damn. Stupid sickness.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Why I'm Sick?

I'm getting sick again, and I'm a believer that you often get sick when there's conflict you aren't addressing... like the myriad of issues I'm not addressing, that include:

-The R./Founder dynamic. Neither knows about the other. Well, they probably know, but they don't KNOW.
-The roommate/Boyfriend/Loss of independence issue. I gained a roommate and a boyfriend in a very short amount of time, and both constitute a significant loss of my independence. I want them both, but I need to be able to acknowledge how sometimes I don't want them both and I want to live in my little house all alone.
-The dead best friend dynamic. The loss of my best friend still sucks. I haven't told The Founder much about him. I want to and need to and haven't.

Good reasons to be sick, no? I'm going to nap after work and then maybe work out. Put the date with The Founder off, which he was fine with. He's a good kid.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I've been thinking a lot about this personal essay I wrote last year... it was on bodies, and I never could quite nail my message down for the audience. I came across as somehow arrogant despite the fact that I was talking about how insecure I was about my own body. I think the issue is that I AM insecure, but only about ONE area: my stomach. The rest, I am proud of, and work hard for.

So I realized in the process of writing this paper last year that I only go for guys with great bodies. We're not talking average, I-work-out-sometimes bodies, we're talking huge shoulders and biceps with super-defined abs. And generally, I'll sacrifice some face attractiveness to get this kind of body, which is just generally sad. But the two most recent fellas, R. and The Founder, both have seriously awesome bodies and superbly attractive faces. Not THEHOTGUYATMYGYM faces, but given that he's one of a kind, these two are nonetheless close.

Which I really have no point to saying, except that it's interesting in the overall development of my life. Ha, speaking of interesting but neither here nor there, yesterday I was at the gym lifting before spin class. I had forgotten my headphones and was complaining about it to Josh, who you will remember is one of my fave Gold's Gym men, and he lent me his mp3 player. Aw. And seemed to be trying very hard to get me to hang out with him not at the gym, but being too wimpy to ask... probably for the best. I adore The Founder, and can't wait to see him tonight. :-)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Moving + "Differences"

I was so busy at work yesterday I forgot I even have a blog! Funny. Anyway, this weekend we moved in my new roommate, and by we I mean the roomie, The Founder--of his own volition, nonetheless--and me. He was amazing, a super good sport, stayed forever, my mom brought over dinner and we all hung out, and then when I thanked him profusely he simply said, "I was more than compensated. I got to hang out with you and eat an awesome dinner."

We went to an all-gay party that night, and it was really fun, definitely a different experience. The bartender thought The Founder was hot, so he said to him, "If that's your girlfriend, she's a lucky girl." Luckily, neither of us reacted, so we didn't have to DTR before it's time.

I adore him, and we probably are in a relationship, but I LOVE the fact that we don't have to define it. Last night we were out with his friends and my roommate, and he said to her, "One of our biggest differences is that I hate to plan and she loves to." He was being ironic, as it is actually the other way around, but I mouthed to the roomie, "we have differences?!" I don't think you get to have define-able differences unless you are certifiably together. Which, again, I suppose we are, but still!

Ohhh and we played volleyball on Sunday, and it was me, The Founder and R., plus three other of my friends. Just a smidge awkward, and I think R. figured out that something is up with me and The Founder. He hasn't returned my one phone call since. Ugh.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Dancin'

We went dancing last night, and The Founder does not know how to dance. Two step, swing, waltz... nada. But he totally made up for any lack of skills with sincere effort. And it was all very romantical, all the hand-holding and close-dancing, complete with little stolen kisses... we were probably that couple you hate.

But I just adore him so much, and wanted to let him know! I was looking good too, the whole mini skirt and boots thing works on me with this ridiculous long legs of mine. I was feeling good, and it felt really good to be there with The Founder. He was awesome, and at one point I wondered out loud where he came from and my friend said "heaven," which was cute only because it meant she approved.

He slept over, and this morning was fun because we got out of bed and then it was raining and cold in my house because I like to sleep with is really cold, so we got back in bed and snuggled together, which was wonderful. He left his phone in my car, so he's on the way to meet me at my office now to retrieve it. I hope no one brings up the dreaded b-word...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The OTHER Balance

Right, so last night was the first time I've seen R. since I started seeing The Founder. It's also the first time I've seen R. in several weeks, because we've both been out of town quite a bit. It was really good to see him, and I felt all of our old chemistry with none of the awkwardness that came with us trying and failing at having a relationship, so that was absolutely awesome. We also made a lot of history in a short time and have a lot of inside jokes, which are fun to share again.

For instance, you remember the "not a fan" joke, where he told me I needed a ceiling fan and I said "I'm not a fan." That became a running joke, and last night my a/c went out, so I immediately texted him and said something to the effect of, "my a/c is out... I need a fan!" knowing full well he would appreciate the utter irony. And he did! And he made funny jokes back and it made me really happy.

Part of me worried that it is a bad sign that I am "dating" The Founder and not texting him about needing a fan, but then it's not really bad, because that wasn't our joke. And perhaps I will become okay with R. being a close, if not best, friend, because I get all of the fun stuff without the bad stuff--the anal personality, rigid way of doing things, and independent streak. And The Founder, he is just a phenomenal person. He left me alone mostly to talk to R., but would come over and join the conversation, because we're all friends, and once R. left just me and The Founder hung out. I don't know that R. or The Founder know about each other, but my running buddy does and he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, despite the fact that he is R.'s neighbor. He already knows me so well, I asked if I needed to tell R. about The Founder and he said, "give it more time, you don't know if it will last." Ha.

I got home and The Founder had left me a message on myspace: "you rock." What did I do to rock? And there I was, wondering if he was at all jealous of me talking to R. Silly girl. This kid is a freakin' winner. Did I mention the other night I was on the phone with a crying girl friend and he put my legs in his lap and started massaging them? Ahhhhmazing.

Also, random: THEHOTGUYATMYGYM was at the bar run club is at! He wasn't at run club, but he was there, and he was HOT! I pointed him out to friends and they agreed. He definitely noticed me too, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I briefly wondered if it was a bad sign that I was wanting to talk to him even with The Founder there, but then I had the thought that he's the kind of guy I couldn't get anyway, so who cares? And then I had the subsequent thought, I can get any guy I want! So there you have it.

Going out tonight with The Founder and other friends. Should be fun!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Balance

I have obviously never been the girl with the boyfriend her ditches her best friends for him because, well, I've never been the girl with the boyfriend. When one of my very best friend Carolyn was bitching about her friends doing that, I said to her, "If I ever do that to you, will you tell me?"

She looked at me, a little bit startled, a little bit sad, and said "It's not that easy. You can't just tell them that."

So she's been gone for six weeks and just got back a little over two weeks ago, and while she was gone I created this whole little life for myself, with new friends and sports and activities, and it's been hard trying to add her back in--not because I don't want to, but because I already have these established routines. And The Founder hasn't made it any easier, always wanting to hang out.

So Carolyn is moving in with me--not as a way to spend time together, as a solution to the problem of her having nowhere to live and me needing more money. But it will help, when we live together, because it will be default hanging out time. Maybe it will even encourage me to hang out at home! :-)

I was talking to my mom about that yesterday, about how I feel like I am so busy and everyone else I know has all this free time to read, go to Starbucks, and google stalk random hookups. She said it is because I do too much--but I like what I am doing! And I want to do more! But she is right, one of my main focuses when I came here was making friends, and then when my best friend died, it doubled that desire. It made me think that I want as many people around me as possible, whereas before I was happy with a few close friends and myself and my writing.

So the point of this is that life is hard to balance. It's hard to balance time with friends and time with yourself, much less adding in a boyfriend... which might be why I've never been interested in sacrificing time with friends or myself for a boyfriend. The Founder might be worth it though. And even if he doesn't end up being that serious, it is good for me to learn to balance everything.

I just hope that Carolyn isn't thinking that I'm the girl who ditches her best friends for a boy that's not even a boyfriend. I won't ever be that girl, friends are too important.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

"Wanna go for a walk?"

The Founder and I were debating over gchat (because IM is too juvenile) about who was going to go to whose house last night, because I wanted to bring him chicken soup even though he's only sorta-sick, but he didn't want me driving that far away, so eventually he said he'd call later and figure it out. Well the silly guy calls later and asks if I'd like to take a walk, because it's nice outside. He meets me after my volleyball game is over at a park between our houses, thereby eliminating the who-goes-where debate and then coming over to my house for chicken soup after our walk. Sneaky little sweetheart.

He also wouldn't let me kiss him last night, because he didn't want to pass the sickness back and forth. He did let me put on country music and attempt to teach him to dance in preparation for an upcoming trip to Midnight Rodeo. He also volunteered to help move my roommate in this weekend--I don't even want to do that!--and invited me to his running group's summer party next weekend... I am not stressing though, I am letting this all just flow and happen naturally. With R. I know I stressed too much about everything, so I'm not taking anything seriously. :-)

I forgot to mention yesterday that THE EX IMed me. I didn't even know I was signed on or that he still had my AIM name, but there he was. We chatted. It was nice to hear what he's up to, but he inevitable asked if I was single and I said something joking and he said, of course, you're never single and you're never taken.

I hate it when they do that! Just because you know me so well doesn't mean we should get back together! I made it clear that I am very into my current flame, and he immediately brought up some woman who proposed to him... like I care! Get married, get out of my hair. Seriously, the light switch is permanently off for us, THE EX. Of course, that doesn't explain why I stayed up late chatting with him. Chalk it up to curiosity...

Hopefully I'll get some stuff done tonight. Tomorrow should be interesting, as it might be the first time R. and The Founder are in the same place since things went down with R. and into something with The Founder. Sweet.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Dinner, Houston, and Expired Multivitamins

The Founder made me dinner, and it was awesome. I didn't really pack, I just sat and talked to him while he cooked. He brought a HUGE bottle of wine, but being mostly sick I sipped on one glass forever... he drank a fair share of the bottle. We sat down to watch Top Gun with our marinated chicken, Mediterranean veggie salad and mashed sweet potatoes... dee-licious! He's good.

Of course, food quickly led to making out (with a pause wherein I asked him if he was sure he wanted to make out, because I was sick, and he replied that he took a multivitamin) which led to us in my bedroom... which I certainly didn't mind but found a bit odd considering he'd been the one to say he wanted to take things slowly--in the morning I saw how much of the wine was gone from the bottle, and decided that probably had something to do with it.

I asked him to stay over, and he did, and we snuggled up to sleep (yes! R. was not a snuggler), but not before he made me get another pillow to aid the drainage in my throat and insisted on getting my dog's bed, setting the thermostat, and checking all the doors--my before-bed tasks. Super cute that he wanted to take care of me.

He took out my trash in the morning.

And I took off for Houston, for a Saturday conference for work, and hated every minute of it, and hung out with my Houston friends (where I went to school, so there are plenty) and texted with The Founder all weekend long. He got sick! Haha. Expired multivitamin?

And now here we are, manic Monday. It's been crazy at work and I want to take The Founder chicken soup, but I don't really have time to do it... does that mean I feel like I don't have time for him--he's not a priority? Or does it just mean that I'm busy as hell and if he wants to be in my life, he'll come to me? Hopefully the latter. I like The Founder.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Gossip + Running = Awesome

I've been sick recently, probably more a result of exhaustion and the beach trip than any allergens in the air. I got in bed at 8:45 last night and though it took me awhile to fall asleep, I was asleep by 10:00, so that was nice. I wanted to go to bed when I got home at 5:30 but someone was having a pool party at my complex that rendered my attempts at sleeping completely pointless. So I went to run club.

It wasn't necessarily the best choice, as I felt okay during the run (mainly because we stopped to walk) but afterward felt weird. During the run though, I ran with my girl friend S. and my normal running buddy, and we all gossiped about last week and this week and The Founder and everything, so that was lots of fun (if a tad awkward because my running buddy is neighbors with R. and didn't know that was over). They slowed down to hang out with me, which made me feel loved.

The Founder is coming over to make me dinner tonight, which is precious. I mean, who asks, "can I make you dinner?" And then offers to make it at my house so that I can pack? Last night we were supposed to go see Top Gun in the park, but didn't because I didn't feel well... so he says, "Don't worry, we'll put it on while I'm cooking!" Simply freakin' amazing. Where on earth did this dude come from??? And why does he like me?!

Another friend of mine posted an ad on craigslist (at my urging) and is meeting a guy for coffee tonight. The Founder and I are on rescue alert, and I think we both sorta hope we'll need to rescue her just so that we can use codenames... teehee.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Since when did I lose my ability to type a title into the Title box? Anyway, the title was going to be "maybe we'll just skip over the beach" because, well, I don't feel good, have drainage in my throat, and it is a result of the tiredness stemming from the damn beach, and then the hanging out with The Founder.

I think The Founder is pretty into me. He came to my volleyball game, came with my team to a bar afterward, then we went and played one on one basketball... now, I played college basketball and have continued to play since--I'm no slouch. He may be taller than me, but I am probably better. I was up for most of the game when I suddenly remembered that beating a guy at basketball has never had positive consequences for me. So I stopped trying as hard, and what do you know? He won--but barely. Purists might say that I am a wimp, and I HATE it when guys don't play their hardest against me. But the male ego is too fragile a thing to let a basketball game hinder...

...which means big things, people. Former college basketball players are not generally in the habit of letting people beat them...

To top it off, we came home and made dinner together (um, my fridge is a total bachelor fridge, so dinner was a salad and frozen veggies dumped in a pan)... super cute.

But I'm so not ready to be dating again... I don't have enough time for myself when there is someone else in my life!

Monday, July 9, 2007

This will be the quickest post ever, but I promise more tomorrow. The beach was ridiculous, while we were really there because my friend broke up with her boyfriend of a year and a half and she sought out men's attention rampantly, I was the one who ended up making out with two guys on the same night. Oops. And it hold true what they say--you find them when you aren't looking.

...but even more ridiculous than that is that I have a man, not from the beach, coming to watch me play volleyball tonight... spectating, as I have mentioned before, is serious in the dating world, and he and I are not so serious. Well, yet.

Just a bit to tantalize, will 'splain myself later...

Thursday, July 5, 2007

You should probably get your car blessed by a priest

Yesterday... July 4th... my party was awesome, tons of fun, all my favorite people were there, we drank everything, ate everything, and it was grand. Unfortunately, the night ended with a bang, not of fireworks but of one of my best friends being handcuffed and put in the back of a cop car, charged with a DWI despite her successful field sobriety tests. She was driving the car belonging to The Founder (you know who I mean), who had gotten a speeding ticket on the way downtown, and whose car was then impounded because none of us could drive it.

But before that, there wasn't much drama. Cali kid appears to be interested in neither me (relief) or my girl friend (sad). The random stranger I invited actually came, and continued to refer to himself as the random stranger for the rest of the evening. And when I say the rest of the evening, I do mean he hung out with us the entire day, which was the only weird part about him being there, because otherwise he was perfectly nice and very cute. But he was there til the bitter end, which was only odd because by that point the group had dwindled to five of us who are very close and him. He slept on my couch, so as not to get a DWI of his own, and left super early this morning, before I was awake. My dog barked and alerted me of his departure.

The real story, however, for the dating blog, is the romance developing betwixt me and The Founder. Lest I be known as the run club slut, my girl friend assured me that "every girl in run club would drop her pants for [The Founder]." Well, that's reassuring. At the party, there did not appear to be anything in particular going on between us. But when we went out to the bars, that all changed. There, first we were hugging and I would snuggle up to his shoulder. By the end, we were holding hands. And though it was his car, he tried to give me shotgun, when I wouldn't take it, he said, "well I wanna ride in the back with you!" and jumped in the back with me. That was super cute. There we held hands and such, until the whole DWI thing put a damper on everyone's fun.

We chatted at work all day today, and tonight we're going for a run and to the gym together. I still don't know how this is going to work out with the friend I have that liked him, and I might ask him about it. But I like him, and he's as goofy as me, which is rare, so I can't let it pass me by, ya know? Ironically, it's R.'s birthday today...

Stay tuned; tomorrow should be interesting, and then this weekend I'm headed to the beach, which two years ago was the scene of some of my more ridiculous antics, including sweet-talkin' my way into a bar without an ID and skinny dipping on the beach with a complete stranger, thereby losing my credit card...

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I Make Friends Easily

Last night I played my first volleyball game with my new team, a group of randoms who don't know each other. We all seem very nice and fun, so I'm excited about that. When I first walked up, toting my dog, keys, water bottle and volleyball in full hands, I caught sight of this guy, we smiled at each other, I kept walking to find my team.

Turns out, we're playing his team. We take it to three games but we end up losing, and I play pretty well, though not the best showing I've had. After the game, I'm inviting my team to come to the party I'm throwing tomorrow and calling out to them as I walk to my car, and the guy from earlier is like, you didn't invite me. I turn to him, surprised, because he looks like a shy fella, and say I don't even know his name. We meet, and I invite him to my party. I remember his email address and send him the evite later that night.

This afternoon, he rsvped yes on the evite. Hahaha. Adventures could strike tomorrow, big time.

Last night, I went out with my two best girl friends from high school, and we got DRUNK. I felt so tired all day today as a result, but that isn't the point. The point is that I called up JJ, who you might remember from before and at the beginning of dating R.--he's the L.A. kid. Turns out, I'm going to L.A. at the beginning of August, so I wanted to know if he'd be there and wanted to see him. AKA I was drunk and horny. Ooops. He called me back today and I was remarkably less excited. I mean, I adore JJ with all of the love of friends, but I don't have any desire to start something up with someone who doesn't live here.

You might be wondering, weren't you supposed to have a Monday date with Adamman? Yes, yes I was, but I canceled on him. It's par for our course, and he said he wasn't feeling good anyway. Hopefully we'll get to do it sometime soon, but knowing us, it might never happen.

So the host of Saturday's party, we'll call him GoofyD, is still emailing me... I really can't decide how I feel about it, which generally means I shouldn't do anything about it.

I'm going to the gym tonight... it's THE HOTGUYATMYGYM night! YES!! Maybe we can speak more than a few words and he will come to my party too!... or perhaps this is one of those times I should hold myself back.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Where to even begin?

As promised, the Saturday night party brought adventures for me, but not too much drama... R. was a brat, and said afterward that the night was awkward. I didn't feel awkward at all, but then again, I showed up with two extraordinarily attractive men... we also got into an awkward conversation about cheating where he sort of accused me of cheating when we were together and I had to refute the claim and then explain that we weren't actually together... I suppose that was a bit awkward.

Anyway, I showed up with the Cali kid and his roommate, who was definitely in the top ten of funniest people I've ever met. He reminded me of my little brother, but in an I-was-attracted-to-him way, not a weird way. He was short though, they are both around 5'11". They also both ended up considerably drunker than I was, as I was driving, and I'm pretty sure they asked me to come sleep over with them... both of them... I dropped them off and went home to my dog.

At the party, the host, who happens to be one of my newfound-girl-friend's former crushes (she says he wasn't interested, I don't know) was getting pretty friendly... not that I'm complaining, as I find his particular brand of tall and goofy charming, but I am treading on thin ice... I don't want to do anything to nip my girlfriendship in the bud, and I don't want to become the run club slut either...

Both fellas emailed me this morning. Cute. We'll see where any of this goes, I'm throwing a July 4th party and all sorts of characters will be in attendance, so that should be fun!

Friday, June 29, 2007

internet dating

So last night I pulled double duty on the internet dating front. First, I went to play basketball with my boys at this court, where I invited the “6’3”, 225 pound” former quarterback to meet me. He was probably 5’11 ½ and, indeed, 225 pounds. Needless to say, I was not impressed by his constant trash-talking, lack of real conversation, and terrible shot.

I get home from playing basketball and have an email waiting for me from another internet responder to my embarrassing craigslist post, only this guy, who we will call backwardshat, is like 4 times hotter than the other one in his picture, which means that in real life he should only be half as bad as the basketball player. He says he’s headed to a bar to grab a drink and if I wanna come meet him, here’s what he’s wearing.

I call up my oldest friend, ask if she’s up for an adventure, and we’re off. At the bar, we sit and talk with this new fella for probably an hour or so, and while pretty much every single one of his stories revolves around drinking, the boy is HOT! His picture did not disappoint… for how much bballboy disappointed, backwardshat totally made up for it. So we *might* go out tonight. We’ll see.

Another weekend, another set of adventures…

Thursday, June 28, 2007

It's that easy

I have a date with Adamman... no that's not his name, but in the interest of anonymity that is what we shall call him, since he sold me an ottoman once. That led to us talking on the phone a lot, trying to date, but we never actually went on a date, though he did help me move my entertainment center into my house. And by help I mean, he moved it and I watched. So we lost touch over the last, say, two months, but in my newfound singledom I decided that I should stop by the store he works at and ask him to the dinner I owed him--for helping me move the entertainment center, obvi.

He was excited to see me, hugged me, and said that yes, I did owe him dinner. I asked when he wanted to go and he said it'd have to be Monday. I agreed, and we're doing late dinner (after my volleyball game) on Monday. Which I was happy about, until I realized that Monday is kind of an odd date night. But then, our whole courtship has been odd and sporadic and it is probably more fitting that we do casual Monday than High-Pressure Friday. So I'm excited! And that was easy. :-)

So I'm playing matchmaker with cute Cali boy... one of my girl friends thinks he's cute... yes! Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Gym hottie needs a nickname

Until I find out his actual name, the hot guy at my gym needs a nickname. McDreamy is already taken (and cheesy as hell), so what will I use? There aren't any puns with Gym other than the name Jim and everything else I think of is cheesy: Mr. Lifter, Hottie McLifterson, Weightroom Wonder... I mean, come on! These are godawful, but I can't think of anything. So I will continue to refer to him as the hot guy at my gym. Or maybe as thehotguyatmygym.

In any case, last night I was at the gym, doing my bicep curls when I suddenly realized that there he was--thehotguyatmygym. I needed to pair my bicep curls with tricep extensions and there he freakin' was, doing tricep extensions on a bench close to me. The only other available bench was directly in front of him. Are you kidding me?! So I did what any weightlifter would do... went right on ahead and laid down on my bench, did my tricep extensions, and went on like it was no big deal. In the middle of bicep curl #22 (of 24, so I'm struggling a bit here), I catch him looking at me in the mirror... great, as I'm grunting and struggling with my manly weight. Fabulous.

I head off to another part of the gym (have to seem like I don't care that he's there) and then come back when the machine I want is taken. I go to the weight rack, but he's using it as his own personal workout area, despite the fact that his (great) body is blocking anyone from access the 15-20lb weights. I smile at him and ask sweetly-sarcastically, "Did you wanna use the whole weight rack?" He takes a headphone out of an ear to hear me, so I repeat my (bad) joke and he laughs. YAY! Meanwhile, I notice that all 5'9" of me barely reaches his shoulder. Nice.

So I take my weights and go away, and we don't talk again. Baby steps. I don't like talking during my workouts either, I had just forgotten my headphones. :-) Progress is progress!

Speaking of progress, I talked to one of my craigslist suitors on IM last night (ps haven't IMed in at least 6 months), turns out he's three years younger than me... doubtful about that one. I think this is why people internet date though, because if you don't like someone anymore, you don't have to face the consequences, you can just delete them or stop responding...

Anyway, not at all worried about the me and R. breakup... happy!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Breakup bag + craigslist

Hello... a bit early for a post, I know, but I had to talk. Yesterday I went shopping and bought myself a fabulous look-at-me red breakup bag. You might not agree, but I find that a new fantastic, bright accessory that cost me a mere ten dollars does about as much for me as crying it out... maybe more, since it preps me for the future!

I'm happy.

I also posted an ad on craigslist, on a whim late last night, and it was pretty cocky. But I didn't want to deal with wimps who can't handle my athleticism, so that's what I posted. I got back 32 responses (and counting) within 8 hours... crazy. And only three were worth my time responding... sort of like the odds at a bar. 32 men, I'm lucky to see three worth talking to. :-) So that could be interesting, though I think I might have a hard time following through and ever actually meeting one of these people.

Anyway, just wanted to let blog readers (again, do I have those?) that despite my crazy, rambly, disconnected post yesterday, I am okay today and I am going to be back in the game. The thing is, R. opened my eyes to a new level of guys and relationships, so he set the bar higher, and I'm glad. I'm also glad I've gotten the player-ness out of my system and realize that it is okay to settle down--for the right fella!

...to more adventures...

Monday, June 25, 2007

Oh the irony! and also, you should know that I am ugly

Well friends, we knew that I was destined to be a dating blogger forever... R. and I broke up. I don't really see how you can break up when you weren't exactly together, but apparently I have been dumped, so maybe I'm just bitter.

Here's the thing though: I'm sad, and I cried, but I think I'm more sad about the failure of my first real relationship in many years than I am about the loss of R. himself. After all, he was too into his structured routine for me, among other things.

What he said was that he just didn't feel passionate about our relationship. I understand, we never did anything but kiss, and even that wasn't that good. So maybe I didn't feel passion either. But what if no passion means that he thinks I'm ugly? Could be.

But it doesn't mean I'm ugly, it just means he's not attracted to me. Except I still feel kind of ugly.

Besides the ugliness, there is that in typical me fashion, he tells me that I'm his best friend and he wants us to stay close. Which would be fine if my actual best friend, who happened to be a guy, hadn't died less than three months ago. I told him that would be much harder for me than dating, and he didn't really seem to get it. More reasons he's right and we shouldn't keep dating. Also, I don't know what age his parents divorced. Or what he was like in high school. Or how he felt about what he was like in high school. Or what he thinks about his ten-year reunion. Whatever.

It's all just funny. And it's all just life. And it's all prepping me for the greatness that is to come...

...for instance, I remembered that now that I don't have a kinda-boyfriend, I can start scheming about ways to get that super hot guy at the gym to talk to me... yessss!

Oh, also, he said he decided this before this weekend, but didn't want to tell me before my friends came into town. Which just pissed me off, because it means when we held hands and kissed and flirted on Friday and Saturday, it was all just a lie.

My mom called him a BASSHOLE last night... she couldn't decide between bastard and asshole, so she accidentally combined the two. I love her.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Do I "have it"?

I was filling up my car at the gas station today, leaning back in my driver's seat with my legs dangling out the door, reading a magazine while waiting for my huge tank to get filled with the $3 commodity I rely upon. I don't notice the person on the other side of the pump until I get up to unplug the pump from my car and he's staring at me (in a non-creepy way) and gives me a head nod. I smile and continue about my business, get in my car and leave, the whole time very self-conscious because he watched me the entire time.

He was attractive, he clearly found me attractive (or at least interesting in some way), but why was it so unsettling for him to watch me? I don't know if I am still getting used to the attention from men, or if it somehow feels different now that I am turning my attentions to only one man... am I going to come to rely on these random gas station interactions to prove that I "still have it," like one of my friends does? I don't want to need a random person's approval to think I "have it."

I wonder if R. thinks I'm hot. Like, when I walk in the door of his condo or walk out to greet him somewhere, does he look at me and go, "man, she is hot!"? I look at him and think, "man, he is good-lookin'!" and it makes me want to run up and put my arms around his trim waist and snuggle into his big shoulders. But does he feel the same? Does he see me and react the same way? Because if he does, he sure doesn't show it!

Maybe I have to "man up" and take the affection lead, as long as I'm going to take the lead with asking if he is my boyfriend. Might as well, it's not like I'm considering dating anyone else anyway, and sometimes I want to say something and have to just call him my friend, which is not really the truth.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

My roomie comes to town tomorrow!

I know I'm still taking this me and R. thing too seriously, because when we're together it's good, so why worry about everything else, ya know? Like we don't need to talk every day, he doesn't need to call me back when there's nothing to say... and yet I wish he WANTED to. Although I don't know that he doesn't want to, I just know that he doesn't.

My old roomie is coming in to town this weekend, which I am excited about for many reasons, the least of which is that it will allow me to clear my head of R. thoughts. He'll be hanging out out with us, but that's what's important--he will be hanging out with US, not she will be hanging out with him and me.

I love this roomie, she is the sweetest, most genuine person but has the craziest sense of going out and partying... she's an amazing combo and I can't wait to see her again. Her brother is coming too, and he's the same as her, but in boy form. I love them both, which is why I'm so stoked for this weekend.

Also, the Cali boy from run club is still emailing me and might come with us to play volleyball on Saturday. I'm not trying to play anyone here, but I'm worried I'm getting into one of those situations where I am accidentally leading someone on... but I'm just being friendly, he's new to town, and I've never tried to hit on him. Then again, he's never met R.

I wonder if I should just ask R. if he's my boyfriend? Put it on him, right? But that still means I brought up the DTR... dang it!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

This is why I started this blog!

Just when I was beginning to think that the world is full of the irony that the moment you start a blog about crazy dating experiences, nothing happens to you and you settle down with someone for the first time in forever, last night's road flirting incident happens and I am reassured that all is right in my world.

I go over to R.'s, we have a nice time, etc. I like him a lot. :-) So I'm going home a little after midnight and I'm at a stoplight when an SUV pulls up next to me and a very attractive, shirtless, tattooed man motions for me to roll my window down. Of course I do, and he asks for directions to the highway, which I gladly give him.

At the next stoplight, he rolls up to me again and waits for me to roll my window down again. When I do, he yells over, "You are the cutest woman I have ever seen!" We both laugh, and I say thanks. He asks where I'm going, my dog barks at him, and I say home. We chat a bit more, and then we part ways.

It was funny. I love Austin.

I finally bought a membership at the gym yesterday, and got a good deal too. My membership consultant told me that he was tired of seeing me at the gym and I told him that he better not say that, I just bought a year membership from him! He laughed and said he meant only at the gym, he wanted to go out. But he didn't press it and I skirted the issue, so nothing happened. I don't know how to handle that! I normally just laugh and leave it alone, which works.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I'm a boy

1) We're playing volleyball last night, and one of my good friends says that the girls will rotate in for each other, and then names off all the girls... but leaves my name out. "What about me?!" I ask, only half-mad.
He looks at me and says without even a hint of sarcasm, "You're not a girl, you're one of the guys."

2) I'm talking about wanting to walk to this festival this weekend, and R. shoots down the idea, saying, "We'd sweat our balls off."
"I don't have balls," I point out.
"Yes, you do."

3) On the phone with my mom: "Mom, I got called a boy twice today." Then I proceed to rant about R. (details coming) and not five minutes later she says, apparently unaware of the irony, "So you're the boy in the relationship?"

... I have long been "one of the boys" and have long considered my psyche more akin to that of the opposite gender in ways that I handle relationships, both romantic and platonic. I also enjoy sports, cars, and beer, which are all stereotypical manly pursuits. I have never had a problem with it, and it has helped me earn street cred as a basketball player. But it might be causing problems now.

After three hours of volleyball last night, R. wanted me to stop by his house. He knew I was sweaty and sandy, yet he wanted me to come over, since we hadn't seen each other in a week. I don't have a problem with being dirty, and he invited me knowing the circumstances, so naturally I went. He didn't kiss me. Not when I came in, not while I stood there for an hour, not when I left.

Okay, I might have smelled like outdoors, sand and sweat, and I know my dog smelled like the sewage she played in, but despite it all I am an attractive individual, and my lips certainly weren't dirty. I lick them, after all. WTF?!

This rant isn't about him not liking me. I'm past that stage. Is he not physically attracted to me? Am I too relaxed... or too much like a boy? Which brings me to my other point, which is that I am worried that this has something to do with my athleticism. He said casually, "so you've been playing a lot of volleyball lately." I replied, "Yeah! It's so fun! I'm trying to get good!" He pressed me on why I wanted to get good, and didn't seem to really understand.

Who doesn't want to be good at sports?! I'm not used to being some cute mildly athletic girl who tries to play sports... I've played sports at elite levels (division I basketball and track) and am very competitive, so of course I don't want to suck at volleyball! Besides, it's an amazing challenge to teach your body new ways to react, new techniques to get the ball where you want it to go, and to learn the timing of how to spike or serve a ball. It's just awesome!

And see, that's me. That's who I am. Meeting me at run club, an athletic event, you'd think R. would understand that about me... but maybe not. But that isn't going to change. So maybe, if I'm being the boy and all into sports and such, I'm going to have to make the moves... maybe that's what this means. If I'm going to talk the talk of being the boy, perhaps I should walk the walk?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Maxin' and Relaxin'

I'm maxin' my understanding and relaxin' my self. And I am a HUGE cheeseball. Sorry.

So I chilled the f&*^ out and had a fantastic solo weekend. Friday consisted of happy hour with a good old friend, a little harmless flirtin' with the Val Kilmer look-alike next to us, and dinner with my dad. Then I walked to the Blockbuster, which made me happy, since most things aren't close enough to my house to walk. Saturday I got to work out, then took my dog for an off-leash adventure hiking Turkey Creek, which turned out awesome, except when my dog ran through cactus. Bummer. Nightime was simply dinner and a movie. Sunday, cleaned and played volleyball, then baked low fat, low-sugar cupcakes (glorious! I am a kitchen genius!) for dessert after Father's Day dinner at Outback... mmmm, delicious. I even pretended to pay, using my dad's credit card. Awesome.

Last night R. and I chatted on the phone finally, and it seemed like everything was normal. Do normal people who go out of town not talk and only text message? Probably with stubborn girls like me who refuse to do the calling, that is the norm. Dang it! One of my neighbors was talking about his new girlfriend, who he absolutely adores. She was out of town this weekend and he casually mentioned that they'd been talking on the phone every night as, "she calls me every night." So then I wondered if I was failing as a girl, because they are IN A RELATIONSHIP and she still calls every night and he loves it...

... but I don't wanna call every night. I'm okay with the random text message. I'm independent, remember?! Haha. I am in an odd mood, sorry, if anyone reads this, that it is so here-there-and-everywhere. :-)

Friday, June 15, 2007

Ok, I flipped out a tad

At least when I act like one of those crazy girls, I know it and come around...

So perhaps my fear of relationships has caused me to take this one just a smidge too seriously. Number one, he will come back from Dallas. I know I have issues about that because I was talking on the phone with my best friend, on his way to College Station, making plans for the weekend, and then he was killed in CS. That was only two months ago. But that's not normal, people normally return from trips. I also should be allowed to have this fear, but R. may not know I do, so to him I'm just acting crazy.

Which, admittedly, I AM. I'm so terrified of being in a relationship and it not working, so then I would swear off relationships altogether, that I am putting too much pressure on this relationship. I am hyper-analyzing every little thing, like why didn't he come over that night? (A: He had to pack and iron and get ready to leave... why didn't I go over?) Why didn't he kiss me goodbye? (A: we were in his office, and he did kiss both of my cheeks) Blah blah and failing to take enough note of those things which are important and should be weighted far more than these silly self-doubts: that he came to my mom's birthday dinner last week, that he routinely tells his co-workers about me and what I'm up to, that his mom asks about me, that he texted me last night at 1:30 am when he's happily out on the town, drunk, with all of his old friends.

Those are what matter, that he's thinking about me. And I have to keep reminding myself that it is in fact all of these things that make me still like him, and make me want to be in a relationship with him. Because were he too eager to hang out, I would be bored. So I am going to attempt to stop hyper-analyzing every little thing.

...like the fact that he hasn't responded to the text I sent him four hours ago... he's just busy enjoying his friends and family, and it's not like it really warranted a response...

Now I have a weekend goal: relax. Being in a relationship does not change who I am as a person. I do not wear this badge that says, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! So chill I will.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

That's a doozy

Yesterday was a doozy. Where to begin? I invited this random guy who was looking for a running club on craigslist to my run club (where R. and I met, actually) and he came and was awesome--just a really cool guy. Not interested in dating him, but probably would have been, were there no R. Well R. didn't come to the run, and I knew he wasn't going to, but he said he would stop by, and he didn't do that either.

R. is going out of town this weekend, and last time he went out of town it was this big ordeal and I had to sleep over to make sure he got up and all this. So I was a little upset/disappointed that he apparently didn't care enough to even STOP BY to say hey. We haven't seen each other since Sunday and won't until at least next week, which is a far longer time than the time he went out of town and made such a big deal out of it. So I don't get it. I don't get why this isn't a big deal anymore and why he wasn't making an effort to see me.

All this on top of the fact that I actually told him I liked him on Sunday night and there has been no response, verbal or otherwise. Except apparently not wanting to see me. But of course, it is always a two-way street, and I'm sure in his mind I'm not making a very big effort to see him before he goes and last time I came over but I refused to last night (his fault he didn't stop by, his fault he's going out of town, no reason I'm going over. And yes, I am way too stubborn for my own good.)

So I'm frustrated, and this is why I don't get into relationships. I don't deal well with the actual liking of someone and actual feelings for them. I don't deal well with the feelings of wanting to see him and trying to hold back because I don't want to seem too clingy. I don't deal well with any of this, and yet I'm not interested in anyone else because of R.!

I am frustrated. And I have tons of plans for this weekend, with friends, so perhaps that will remove my mind from him, refresh me, and put me back into a good space with being with him.

Hopefully.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I am in it

I'm in it. I'm committing. I'm with R.

I offered to spectate last night.

If you know me at all, you know that I do not spectate. I would rather play than watch. Sure, I love watching the NBA Finals and college football, but that's mainly because I can't play in games in either of those sports (although I am a pretty good receiver...). But last night, I offered to go watch R.'s soccer game. I didn't end up going, but I still offered, and he still thought it was really sweet, and it was all couple-y.

I mean, I've watched other people's sports before. Like I used to go to THE EX's softball games. But we were together, and it was my duty. So by offering to go spectate, which was actually something I WANTED to do, I was claiming it as my duty, thereby proclaiming myself as... well, you know.

Now, I know this is only in my head, and it doesn't make anything different between us as far as "definitions" go. It's not like I've told him that spectating, or the offering of, is a definitive sign, I just think it is in the course of my understanding of relationships. So that's why I declare "I am in it" now.

I am. I am in it. And I'm going to happy hour with another guy on Friday. But he's just a friend.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Better Together Alone

Aren't those the lyrics to a song? I think they are, but I can't be sure. I know a lot of music, but I never know how I know it or where I know it from or whose it is.

So Monday nights I play volleyball. R. goes and works out. And then last night we both ended up watching a movie, but apart. In our own little condos. Perhaps we're better together alone. We're both so independent we watch movies together alone. How annoying!

Because tell me this: what is the point of having a, you know, dating partner (no, I won't say the b-friend word until he says the g-friend word first. And he probably feels the same way, and we'll wait each other out until one slips and it will probably be me and I'll be pissed), so anyway what is the point of having a dating partner if you don't see each other?! I know, I know, it's one night. But we're not seeing each other tonight, and he's leaving for the weekend on Thursday, so we're only going to see each other on Wednesday night around a bunch of other people. Whoopee. We might not even kiss, because we haven't come to a consensus on the public kissing of hello and goodbye yet.

More reasons I don't date exclusively: my condo complex is only about half full right now, but when I went home at lunch today, there was a moving truck with some phenomenally attractive young men unloading things... now, they could have just been movers, and admittedly you aren't supposed to date/hookup with people who you have to face every day, sometimes multiple times a day, for a very extended period of time (it IS a condo complex, we all own the space we live in!), but nonetheless I drove away with visions of these two hotties dancing in my head.

And then I got back to the office, had an email from R. that made me smile uncontrollably, and the movers were forgotten until it came time to write the blog. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to date R.

Just because you've already ordered doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, right?

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Monday, June 11, 2007

I don't know how to be in a relationship

I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I know how to run game, play around, not like people... I don't understand the feeling of wanting to be around someone all the time, getting mopey when they don't return my call for two hours with no explanation, having the compulsion to tell them that I like them--this is ridiculous! And one wonders why I don't get into relationships.

The thing is, I've always said that the only guy who will capture my (extended) attention is one that is as independent as I am. But now I appear to have found him, and it's harder than I thought. Not because of him, but because of me, because I'm not used to wanting to spend so much time with someone besides myself and my friends...

The triple date on Friday was actually pretty awesome (minus my dad barking like a dog in the kennel, er, cargo area of the SUV we drove in, so all six of us could fit in one car). We ate and laughed and teased and went to another spot for dessert and went back to my parents' house to see the view and it was just a blast, I laughed all night long. My dad told R. that he fit in with the family really well. And R. said he had a great time.

Saturday night we did a date night at the movies, and that was fun, and then Sunday he came and played volleyball with my fam and then my friends. All in all, a great, easy, laid-back weekend. But the thing is that he didn't call me all day Saturday--which wasn't a thing, really, because apparently it was my fault because I didn't return a text message and he's just about as stubborn as I am when it comes to being the one putting himself out there with multiple attempts at contact--and I finally called him and he didn't even call me back for like 2 1/2 hours! Which, in all fairness, I probably would have done if I had sent him a text and he hadn't responded and then didn't call until 5, I probably would have made him wait too. But that's MY gig, not his!

So, last night I had to call him and tell him that I really like him and that it freaks me out. And it partially freaks me out just because that's who I am, and it partially freaks me out because my best friend died recently, and he was the closest person, let alone guy, to me in my entire life--so I'm irrationally afraid that R. will die too... he, of course, was a great listener as I told him this and told me that he wasn't going to die. He can't really make that promise, of course, but it was nice that he went ahead and did. :-)

I really do like him. Ugh. :-P

Friday, June 8, 2007

Hand holding

I often profess to hate PDA. But I absolutely love holding hands. Is this hypocritical? Because if you think about it, PDA means Public Displays of Affection, and what could be more affectionate than holding hands? It is mutually exclusive with affection: you don't hold hands with someone you don't genuinely adore. Kissing isn't mutually exclusive with affection, sometimes it can be just passion (or alcohol?)... but hand holding, it's the real deal. It's a physical union of the most innocent type.

But at the same time, is hand holding a public statement of coupleness, and therefore worse than PDA? It's like the bodies attached to the two hands are so proud of themselves that they want to tell everyone? I don't think so, but it makes me wonder... because nothing says "we're a couple!" like holding hands.

So when R. and I walked the streets of Austin last night holding hands, were we being super cute and affectionate or super proud and showing each other off? Maybe it has the most to do with how you feel. I wasn't looking around to see who saw me with him, I was basking in the warmth of his grasp, so that makes our hand holding more the former and less the latter?

Ew, I'm getting so mushy. Basking in the warmth of his grasp? The thing is though, I WAS BASKING! I loved it! I love holding hands! I love seeing other people hold hands!

Despite my big talk, I think I am a sap deep down. In moderation.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

My Mom Messages R. on Myspace

This whole spectacle is somehow really funny yet really weird at the same time... my mom's birthday is tomorrow night, and if you will remember, my mom and R. are friends on myspace. They go so far as to call each other BFF--jokingly, of course.

So my mom calls me last night and says, "I'm inviting R. to my birthday party! It's going to be your aunt and uncle, me and dad, and you and R.!"

"Great, a double date with my parents."

"No, your aunt and uncle will be there too!" she says, a bit tongue-in-cheek. I say fine, but she has to invite him, no way I'm inviting a man I'm dating-but-we-don't-know-to-what-extent to couples dinner with the fam for my mom's birthday. She says fine.

So I'm at work today when I get an absolutely delighted text message from R. saying that his BFF invited him out tomorrow night and he's so excited! Cute. The disturbing part is the realization that you could say that my mom actually invited my ??dating partner?? on a date--for me. Awesome.

Good thing I like my fam. And it's a REAL good thing R. likes me.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Conversations

R. and I on the phone last night, as he was still in Atlanta:

R: I told Kristi about your "I'm not a fan" and she said that you are so funny. She also said you are a keeper. Actually, everyone that's met you has said you're a keeper.
Me: Aww.
R: I tell them all that I've already broken up with you.
Me: Oh, that's nice. Were you going to tell me?
R: Yeah, about that, can we have a talk?
Me: Well, let's see, can I pencil you in next week?
R: Sure, I know you're busy.
Me: Great.
R: Now, I know we haven't talked about dating or whatever, but I just want to tell you that I want to be the first guy to dump you. So if we get to that point, and we're gonna break up, could you just tell me so that I can do it first?
Me: Absolutely not. I have a reputation to uphold.


Not thirty minutes later, my best friend calls from Houston:

N: How's R.?
Me: Good. I think we almost had a DTR.
N: And?
Me: Well we didn't, but we could soon. We might be together soon.
N: This from the girl who doesn't do relationships?
Me: It's not about the relationship, I don't care if we call it that or not, I just want to be with him.
N: I'm going to throw up.
Me: You'd never believe what I did.
N: Did you do his laundry?!
Me:: Close. I unloaded and loaded his dishwasher. I don't even unload and load my own dishwasher!
N: Oh, that's it. You've gone down a path you can't return from. You're done.
Me: I just wanted to make him less stressed... he's normally cleaner than I am!
N: Now you're making excuses for him? This is how it all begins.
Me: How's J? (her ex boyfriend she's recently rekindled a romance with, who happens to live in Australia for the time being...)
N: Good. We had a webcam date last week.
[silence]
Me: YOU HAD A WEBCAM DATE?! You're giving me hell for unloading the dishwasher when you had a webcam date?!
N: I hope you get diarrhea.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Raining, pouring, no one is snoring...

So once before I mentioned that old saying, when it rains, it pours. Well the showers had held off for a little while, but the clouds rolled back in and it is once again raining men.

...Men from my past, that is. The ex I once had to take to the hospital for a drug overdose sent me a little note today wondering how I was doing. The ex that was my ex twice--or is it thrice?--sent me a little note today wondering how I've been. Literally, that was the note. "How have u been?"

The thing about my big talker is that this happens at the beginning of EVERY SUMMER. We met about seven summers ago, five went by without us talking, and then two summers ago he sent me a similarly cryptic message that led to us dating. I, of course, was dating two other guys simultaneously, so when we drifted apart and he stopped calling, I didn't really care. I let it go without a fight.

A year went by, so at the beginning of last summer, he called again. I went to see him (he lives about an hour away from me). This time he apologized for the previous summer and couldn't believe that I could be so forgiving of his disappearing act. I made this mistake of admitting that I was dating others, so it didn't really bother me. This revelation, however, apparently bothered him, and we never spoke again. I put up a mini-fight this time, leaving him ONE message that said something along the lines of, I can't believe we're doing this again, the not-calling without reason why. But no response, and I was moving out to L.A., so again, I didn't really care.

You might think I don't really care about the guy, but I do. I adore him. He's silly and strong and smart and shy and southern, all sorts of things I love. We've just never been on the same page, not even when we met so long ago.

... so it's funny that we're going for summer #3. Only, this time I have a ... oh man, I almost said it. I think it's true. But I can't say it first, not even to my blog and my reader(s?!)... anyway, this time I am not single single single, like I have been the other two times. This could be interesting. Or I could never hear from him again... which could be interesting too.

R. has been keeping in touch with me from Atlanta, which is fun, but more fun is getting the 2 am drunk text message that says he misses me. That's legit. :-)

Monday, June 4, 2007

Meeting the Parents

So after partaking in the highly couples-esque activity of helping him to choose a tie--at the mall, no less!--he says he has to drop by his mom's house to pick up a suitcase to pack for the business trip he leaves on the next day.

"You can sit in the car," he says. Yeah right! The line he told me two weeks earlier about meeting my parents came back verbatim at him: "I'm not afraid of meeting your parents."

So we go inside. I am dressed for a day at the mall in layered spaghetti strap tanks, cargo capris, flip flops and curly beach hair--not exactly ideal for a first impression, but at least it's cute. Mom is cute, stepdad is super nice, little step sister is cute, all is well. We end up chatting for about an hour, and it's nice. R. looks like he's about ready to hang himself.

We leave (hugs all around! I'm not a hand-shaker, I just can't do it. BUT mama went in for the hug, not me! score!) and not five minutes later, R. gets a TEXT MESSAGE from his stepdad: "Your mom and I voted. Two thumbs up."

First of all, whose parents text message?! Second of all, score again! I'm in like flint. (I don't even know what that saying means, but my mom says it all the time) We went home to pack and eat pizza and hang out before he left on his long business trip.

He'll be back Thursday, but don't expect silence from me in his absence... things are never quiet in my world.

Friday, June 1, 2007

My Friends React

I have this good friend from high school who plays all these sports with me and has known me through many a love interest, and few boyfriends (obviously, as this is the story of my life).

So when we hung out last night and I mentioned that I thought R. and I might be at that point where some might maybe possibly call us together, she--and she is not very dramatic by nature, mind you--with a gasp, doubled over at the waist and clutched herself. As she stood back up she said plaintively, "nooo! I don't know what I'd do. It changes my whole world view."

Now, some might be insulted by this, as if her friends never believed she'd find a mate; but I felt a hint of pride. I love/d being single--I love the thrill of the chase, and I get bored easily. So I was glad she reacted the way it did, it was somehow reaffirming that I am an independent woman.

But that's why I think things are so good with R., so far. Because I'm still an independent woman, and he's never expected less. He would be confused if I wanted to be together all the time (though he'd probably like it)... and that's why I like him.

Someone wrote in to my blog--I didn't even know anyone but me read it!--and said congrats on getting my man, which was nice, and I'm so excited someone cared enough to comment! But at the same time, I must admit that I bristled a bit at being told it was great that I got a man. The whole proud-of-being-single thing really has been a badge of honor of sorts that I have worn for a long time...

... a badge of honor because it's not like I ever suffered from lack of male attention--I CHOSE to be picky and single. But what if it wasn't something I wanted and I had it? I don't know what that would be like, because as long as I can remember I've been this way, the independent way, the one who'd rather play basketball on a Friday night than go out.

But now I'm off to go snuggle in for a movie night. It's Friday night and I'm snuggling in for a movie... oh how the times have changed.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

"Like you need it. Pretty amazing already."

R., in response to my saying that I was going to a happy hour with makeover tonight while he was taking his kid sister to the movies. Yeah, we're at that point, where we tell each other what we're doing every night.

We're also at a point where still all we've done is kiss, but it's getting a tad more risque... long story short he said he'd give me a massage if I didn't feel like throwing up at the thought of him touching me (in response to me saying I would throw up at the thought of a specific someone else touching me), to which I replied he was making me blush--I'm such a demure Southern gal--to which he pretty much replied, yeah right, we'll see about that tomorrow (when the massage happens).

And I can't reiterate enough how weird it all feels, to really want to be with him, to not feel trapped by telling him where I am, and to not look around wondering if there's someone better out there. I definitely haven't seen one yet! (But you know me, I can't throw in the forever towel this early... some stunnas might still catch my eye)

Off to hang out with the girls I go! Can't lose sight of them, obvi.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Couples Weekend

Can you imagine me on a couples' weekend? I cannot, and yet there I was, all weekend, half of a couple. It was me and R., R. and me, all weekend.

Friday night, movie at my place. Saturday afternoon, my work party. Saturday night, his friend's going-away party. Sunday all day, tubing with his co-workers (FROZE MY ASS OFF), break from each other, movie Sunday night.

THE KISS FINALLY HAPPENED! Hallelujah, he's not gay, we're not just friends, and I'm not crazy!

Monday, party with his friends. It's like taking the baby out for its first showing, where everyone oohs and ahhs about how cute it is... we're out, together, around each other's friends. Or more specifically, I was around his friends, because he had met a lot of mine, but not in a couple-y setting like this weekend, where he was a date to a party.

And here is the weirdest thing, doubters, I barely noticed. I didn't freak out. I didn't get sick of being around him.

...that's some scary stuff. I could be half of a couple soon. That hasn't happened since I was like 19!

Friday, May 25, 2007

So I'm Behind... I have new job responsibilities!

I know I was trying to post every day, but the new job responsibilities have taken precedence! Which is good. But anyway, like I've mentioned before, it also gets more boring when you have a steady someone and aren't running around with many someones.

But the thing is, I'm never boring. And I'm never just with one steady someone. R. wouldn't come over last night after I got back from dinner with friends, which is perfectly reasonable, so I called JJ in Cali. We talked for like 45 minutes, and he wants to move somewhere and start new...

...he doesn't have the balls to do it, but the mere thought of him moving here is enough to make me wonder what it would be like if we dated. Which sucks, because I don't want to wonder what it'd be like to date anyone else, I want to try dating R. and only R.

But can I give up the thrill of the balancing act? The never-getting-too-attached-to-one-because-there's-always-another? Can I be upset that R. won't come over and not have someone to call and just deal with it?

It's that life-long THING I've had with missing out. I couldn't sleep as a baby because I didn't want to miss out on anything. I couldn't date one guy through college because I didn't want to miss out on another. I couldn't travel after I graduated because I didn't want to miss out on an awesome job.

And I'm happy I did things the way I did. But when can I trust that I'm not missing out on anything by doing what I'm doing? I'm happy with my career right now--definitely not missing out. Definitely in the thick of things. So can I be happy with my choice of men, and let JJ alone?

But then there's always the what if, the what if JJ was the one and by choosing R., I'm missing out on JJ?!

This, my friends, is why I don't try to settle down. It's too hard.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Dog-blocked and then my bad

Went to watch a movie over at R.'s last night and brought my beloved canine companion, Yukon. Yukon doesn't like men, but has taken a liking to R., so that's a good sign.

Yukon has a history of dog-blocking, the pet version of the cock-blocking phenomena when a man tried to "block" his friend from hooking up with a hot girl. When my platonic friend hopped into bed with me one night, he hadn't even gotten under the covers before she dove in between us and settled happily down to sleep. Is she being employed by my parents?! So last night she sat between us on the couch until we pushed her off so that I could rest my head on R.'s shoulder. This is a big step for us, you will remember, as we haven't even kissed yet.

So about an hour into the movie, my phone rings and I sit up to answer. Yukon immediately dives between me and R., and then, ridiculously enough, puts her head on R.'s shoulder!

Awesome. My dog blocked me and then tried to steal my man, and she doesn't even like men!

I also have to confess: I think the kiss finally could have happened, but it was my fault it didn't. My bad. I asked R. to come with me to a work party, and after some deliberation he agreed. We're standing in the parking lot after an extended hug where we stood without our arms around each other, and I start rocking side to side in a nervous--but kinda cute--way... and he can't kiss me, obviously, because my face is moving from side to side!

What a weenie. It's just that there's so much build up to this now, and I'm not worried about the kiss being bad or good, it's more about ambiance, which is admittedly quite silly. But I've never had one of those storybook kisses that wasn't in a parking lot or in a bed or in a bar or on a couch, so I want one! And poor guy, R. is having to suffer this tremendous wait for one little kiss, when my nickname used to be The Kissing Bandit!

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Weekend Report... wait, there's not much to report

Not much to report only because the dear fella that I am seeing is... I don't even know a word to describe it! Suffice it to say that he apparently likes me enough to come back from out of town to go to my friend's graduation party, but after a late-night swim and (swimsuit-clad) romp in the hot shower, there was still NO kissing!

And then a sleepover, featuring five feet of space between us the entire night.

Awesome. Why is it that almost all guys are crazy-eager to jump into the physical aspect of relationship, and I finally meet one who isn't, and it's driving me crazy?!

I respect it, on the one hand. But on the other, I need chemistry! And if he sucks at kissing, I'm not kidding, it is a DEAL BREAKER. I am young, I deserve kisses, and good ones at that. All I can say is that the whole mystique of the build-up better lead to one helluva kiss! Oh wait, but I mean no pressure or anything... man, what if I am the one who sucks at kissing?

Nah...

Ohhhhh but wait, I did forget about my good friend JJ, who texted me out of nowhere the night R. and I were at my friend's grad party. He misses me. And wants me. And spent all of last night, the second consecutive night, convincing me that I wasn't interested in him, despite my repeated offering that I wouldn't know if I was interested in him or not because he always has a girlfriend. He told me he left one for the other. I told him this was irrelevant, because I do not crush on attached men, end of story. He didn't get it.

And he won't, he lives in L.A. and rocks the L.A. lifestyle, the one I hate. And even if he was single, he would be out there, and I would be out here. But he is tall, hot, and gave his Escalade to his little sister (who I taught how to wakeboard) so he could get a Lexus...

When it rains, it pours, eh?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Oh Gold's, Reasons You Shouldn't Disco Nap, and I made a Girl Friend

Busy day yesterday! The girl trainer at Gold's and I swapped numbers yesterday and talked about going out, or at least meeting up. I solidified my new girl friendship! Those aren't easy for me to make, but now I have three of them! I'm getting so good at LIFE.

Also, none of my cadre of trainers were at Gold's yesterday, so you might think I would go one day without getting hit on. Never fear, however, someone will always come through. I'm happily ellipsing away, reading Allure, when I see this guy walk over to the ellipser area and kind of scan the whole scene. Nothing is open near me. He hops on the ellipser next to a relatively cute girl, despite the fact that there are four open next to that one, and most people get as far away from others as possible--or at least I do. Anyway, I smile and think, 'aw, how cute, he thinks she's cute.'

The woman on the ellipser next to me gets off, and lo and behold!, the guy gets off his ellipser and moves to the one next to me. In his defense, I get on this kind of ellipser because it's better, harder, and maybe he was on one of the wimpy ones. But what are the odds? He glances over at me a lot, but I act completely absorbed in Allure. Maybe he's just competitive, checking out my speed and calorie burn...

My brother played late last night, and I had all intentions of going. At 11, I climbed into bed in my clothes to wear to the show for a sweet disco nap. At 12:15, I awoke to my phone alarm, called my ride (ahem, my parents) and told them no way, no how.

Disco naps: good in theory, bad in practice.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Two polar opposite thoughts

Two polar opposite thoughts: number one, we were at Oasis today for a business lunch that involved greasy nachos and tasty margaritas. Sweet gig. But the sun started shining a little too brightly and I broke a small sweat. Our previously outrageously UNattentive waiter stopped by to see if I needed another umbrella, to which I obviously replied, yesplease! He proceeded to move the stand around to position the umbrella best for me, and then bring an umbrella out of storage just to shade me. I felt sort of like a princess, minus the palm leaf and grapes, which I don't care for much anyway.

J., who you will remember essentially spawned this blog, watched it all unfold and as he walked away, turned to our (very fun) dining companion, mildly astounded, and said, "She has this crazy affect on men!" Aw, she got to spectate. Too bad he was the slowest server alive.


Thought number two is entirely antithetical to the point of the blog: will I be settling into a relationship soon? Last night, R. came over to my friend's house after telling me he wasn't going to, and proceeded to just hang out... we weren't really doing much, sipping on some beers, chatting, watching the Spurs game... it was pretty chill. I was worried he'd be disappointed, because I had offered up washers but when we arrived no one was particularly enthused about the whole thing.

So when I got a text message from him telling me how much fun I was to hang out with, surprised doesn't really cover my reaction. I think I was more in awe of this guy, because what guy sits around while I gossip with my friends, hangs out with my dog, and texts me afterward telling me that he enjoys my company?!

R. is a stellar guy. And I haven't gotten bored yet, which is always the worry. Maybe it's because we haven't kissed yet. Maybe that's why I'm holding out...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

And another one down, and another one down, another one... at Gold's Gym

I went in to my fave gym again yesterday... now, normally going to the gym boosts my self-esteem because I look at myself in the mirror a lot while lifting, naturally, but I'm focused in entirely on the muscle I am working, so rather than seeing my stomach bulge, I see my bicep flex and straighten, flex and straighten, flex and straighten--which makes me feel strong and ripped. Of course, walk away from the mirror and into the locker room, and I'm back to seeing the slightest bulge under my t-shirt.

But at Gold's, my self esteem goes up for an entirely different reason, and that is because I can't meet one of the guys that works there without feeling like he's interested! Now, this could just be the way they treat girls because they are trying to get them to sign up so that they can watch them on the gym floor all day in their short-shorts. Fine. But I think it's also the ease with which I talk to them... because the gym is such a comfortable environment for me.

For instance, yesterday I am getting my free one month membership that I "won" set up, but a new guy is helping me. He looks like you expect a trainer to look: beefy in the shoulders and chest, almost coming out of his shirt, but with disproportionate legs and a pinhead. Anyway, he's either shy or doesn't think I'm cute at first, but by the end, he's flustered and prints my form wrong and can hardly say bye. I think this is because I joked and flirted and asked him questions about himself like we were old high school friends catching up.

Which is how I enjoy being. I want to be like that with everyone. And not because I want all the male attention, but because it makes people feel good. If only I could feel good enough to be that way all the time, and not just in my little gym haven...