Coffeeshops and conundrums

Last night The Founder worked late, while I was fraternizing at the gym... and he still stopped by the store to get food to cook dinner for us, while it was my job to get the movie and it took me longer to do that than it took him to get the food! (I got a phone call, then I couldn't find the movie, then Blockbuster couldn't find my name...) See what I mean about feeling like I contribute nothing to the relationship?

Nonetheless, he keeps on wanting to spend time with me, which continues to surprise me. And I'm starting to like it! Tonight we both have work to do (I have homework, ahem), so we're going to go to a coffeeshop--part of my research for an upcoming article in the mag--with wifi and do our work. SO cute! (Gagaciously cute)

Am I the only person who thinks Coffeeshop is one word? Spell check keeps redlining me for not putting a space between, but I think if I do it just because a shop of coffee, not a veritable hangout! Maybe that's just me.

So Mr. Everything and I are corresponding about our parties and it turns out he's playing in the same 3-on-3 bball tourney I am this weekend, which is why he won't throw his party on Friday night and come to mine on Saturday. Understandable. We're going to beat his team though--my team is shaping up quite nicely, and we're even practicing tomorrow.

Of course, if it comes down to it and I have to reintroduce Mr. Everything and The Founder, do I drop the boyfriend bomb? It's not how I introduced him the first time around, so why would I do it this time? At the same time though, I don't want to lead Mr. Everything on... argh. Quite the conundrum. This is why you don't label people! And despite my telling The Founder that I now call him my boyfriend, I haven't since. Ironic.

"Can we call him your boyfriend yet?"

"Hey, I called you my boyfriend twice today."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. It was weird."
"Who did you say it to?"
"Well one was my ex-boyfriend, because I was inviting him to the thing and didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I was like, oh, my boyfriend organized and I helped!"
"You helped a lot."
"No, you did it all."
"Who was the other?"
"The photographer I met with. I was telling him all about run club and told him, 'my boyfriend actually started it, so this is shameless advertising.'"
"So you didn't like saying it?"
"No, it was just weird. I'm not used to it."
"Yeah," says the Founder, "I got the idea that you didn't really like the boyfriend/titles thing, so I tried to just stay away from it."
"That's why I like you," I say.

I'm straddling The Founder after we've gone swimming and taken a shower post-margarita race (which I won in the female category) and feel the urge to tell him this. It's weighing heavily on my soul that I called him my boyfriend. That I was the one to bring titles into the mix.

At some point in the conversation, The Founder uttered the most fantastic words he ever could have said to me, with my psyche, "I like what we have. I don't care what it's called."

Amazing.

Now I just want to hear him call me his girlfriend... sick, isn't it?

But fantastic. My roommate was asking yesterday, "Can we call him your boyfriend yet?" and I 'fessed up that I had twice that day and she laughed. But The Founder is absolutely amazing. My ex was at the run last night and was definitely hanging around me a lot (and I failed to mention that he has my initial tattooed on his arm with tears coming out of it... awesome), but The Founder was totally cool about it and just let me do my thing. He's ridiculously awesome.

He did tell me that he used to date one of the other girls that comes to run club--but she walks. But they dated for 4 1/2 years, 2 years ago, and he's been single since. He says for the last year and a half it was pretty much over, as he wasn't here and they were just sort of holding on. So that's cool that he told me, and funny that we both have exes at run club, though his is obviously more serious. Oh, funny times last night at the run--my current boyfriend, my high school ex boyfriend, and R., my ambiguously ex dating partner, all on the same patio. Totally cool though, which is a testament to everyone involved.

I kind of want to run around and tell people that The Founder is my boyfriend. I won't of course, but even that I kind of want to is ridic!

"She gets wine AND flowers? What have you done with my roommate?"

The Founder's roommate said to him when he came over last night bearing the aforementioned flowers and wine, "what have you done with my roommate?" I said, "where did you come from?!"

I arrived an hour late at the airport, got home at 8:30 on a work night, and he still came over with a green bean casserole, ensalata caprese, and a FIVE POUND pork loin. The kid is ridiculous! And amazing. And he packed a bag last night, which was super cute in a dorky, cheesy way that only new couples think is cute. I suppose afterwhile it just becomes practical.

Speaking of couples, I continued to refer to The Founder as my boyfriend--ISH! throughout the entire weekend, but that got old. So ironically enough, I had forwarded an evite for a run The Founder planned to the ex I ran into downtown the other night, and he RSVPed yes and then sent me an email asking about LA. I wrote back with the usual "fun trip!" and then also said that I was glad he was coming to the run, "my boyfriend planned it and I helped a little."

... because if I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, he might think I'm leading him on. But of course when I do tell him I have a boyfriend, he doesn't respond to my email. Not a good situation, but better nipped in the bud. Also notable for being the first time I refer to The Founder as my boyfriend without an ISH attached. The dude brought wine, flowers and dinner to me when I arrived home from a flight... who but a boyfriend would do that??

The things I learned in a weekend in LA

I'm in LA, and tomorrow we're headed home. It's been fun, my movie premiere was awesome and I looked glamourous, so that was all good. But I ended up really missing The Founder. RJ (my friend that lives here and often text messages me and has a girlfriend but recently told me he wished we could get together but I would never like him anyway) wanted to hang out the first night we were here, but I wasn't really into it, and I thought it was because I was so tired. But then the next night I sort of blew him off again, and I was kind of like, oh, so this is what it's like to not think about other possibilities... that boyfriend. ISH.

...of course, then I called Dick. Dick is a fella I met out here in LA when I was living here last summer. We met playing basketball and sparks flew between us, but our one planned date I had to cancel because I was working on the movie, and we never went out after that. He was very ambigious about us anyway, clearly very attracted to me but holding back for some reasons, so once I "blew him off" (FOR WORK!), he backed off. And it sort of wasn't worth it because I lived here so shortly, but at the same time, he was one of the few guys I've felt super strongly about EVER. I remember countless conversations with my parents on the phone, some tearful, one where I was outright bawling. There was just an incredible attraction between us.

Since then, he's gotten a girlfriend he professes to adore on facebook and I've only recently gotten my boyfriend. ISH. Anyway, he's absolutely gorgeous too, by the way, and his girlfriend is stereotypically perfect--ugh. However, he did text me out of the blue like three months ago about the country CDs I sent him and thanked me again... questionable. So naturally, I called him to invite him to the premiere or to the bar afterward, and he texted me back and said "In vegas with gf, hope you have fun though..." What the f do the ellipses mean? And why wouldn't you say "my gf"? Overanalyzing, I know, but this is what I do with this silly man named Dick.

Luckily, my silly man The Founder is super amazing and texted me tonight to ask if he could make me dinner when I get home tomorrow night. Seriously, WHERE DID HE COME FROM?! I'm gonna wanna crash, not eat dinner! Although I have no food at the house, so I wouldn't be eating dinner if he didn't come over regardless of whether I wanted to or not. AND it was super duper cute last night, I said something about wishing he was with me and he said, "you miss my meep face!" Hahaha, I do miss his meep face!

:-D So LA may have brought up a lot of old memories and thoughts of Dick, but it also reminded me that I'm not really interested in anyone but The Founder... I'm excited to get home and see my meep.

How does someone who doesn't want a boyfriend get so many?

The dichotomy continues, despite the fact that I told them both about the other. R. came and hung out with me and my roommate Friday night, and when I told him that I was dating The Founder, he said that he already knew. He went on to say that it hurt him a lot to see me with other guys at that party we both went to, but I said that I wasn't even into The Founder then--but also apologized, not wanting to have hurt him. He said it was fine. Then he was like, "but you don't like The Founder that much, do you?" and I was kind of taken aback and was like, "I like him a lot, actually." And then he was mostly fine for the rest of the night, except that he kept predicting bad weather for mine and The Founder's tubing outing the next day and that he was super stingy paying for dinner, which frustrated the hell out of my roommate.

Tubing was a lot of fun, and then going out with The Founder was a lot of fun. We acted very couple-y, even holding hands walking down Sixth Street, which is rare for me (you'll recall that R. and I did that and it was a big deal to me). Naturally, we ran into my high school boyfriend on the street, and it was actually really fun to see him. He looked happy, which makes me happy because he hasn't always been. He was a super sweet kid, and I wouldn't mind being friends again. Unfortunately he emailed me today and said something sweet about my beautiful smile, which is nice to hear but probably indicates that he did not in fact notice that I was holding hands with my "boyfriend."

Laying in bed Saturday night I asked The Founder if he was what they call a boyfriend and he said "I don't know, do you want me to be?" and I said, "I don't know." And he said, "why do you ask?" and I said, "lots of people were asking me and I didn't know what to say." At the bar we were at earlier people were asking and I didn't know how to answer, so I gave really awkward answers and my friends made fun of me. Oh well. So we didn't settle that, and I can't believe I was the one to ask the question! Ha. But that's another reason I like him, because despite the fact that he wants to spend all his time ever with me and I don't know if I can handle it, he doesn't need labels, and he is laid back about the existence of an us.

I think it's a bit ironic that he's pretty much the most serious relationship I've had since the high school boyfriend (THE EX was never really a relationship as much as a shit show) and then we see the high school boyfriend. Ohhh speaking of relationship, yesterday I played volleyball for FIVE HOURS and one of my teammates brought his best friend, who is tall and hot and funny and was friendly to me (and I laughed when he mentioned basketball and I asked him if he played and he quickly added, oh, I play everything, baseball, basketball, football...) So then Mr. Everything made me question if I really liked The Founder... and then I realized that this is the part of things that always get me--it's not so much that I want something as much as I don't want to miss out on something. And I'm sure Mr. Everything is a nice, great guy, but he couldn't be as wonderful as The Founder...

He's been bugging me about what I'm doing on my birthday, because it's his best friend's wedding. He finally came right out today and asked me if I would come with him, even though he doubts it is the most thing for me to do on my birthday. I said I would go, I'm not that into my birthday in the first place, and anyway I like him, so of course I would want to go.

Right, so we're not sure if he's my boyfriend...

The Balance

I have obviously never been the girl with the boyfriend her ditches her best friends for him because, well, I've never been the girl with the boyfriend. When one of my very best friend Carolyn was bitching about her friends doing that, I said to her, "If I ever do that to you, will you tell me?"

She looked at me, a little bit startled, a little bit sad, and said "It's not that easy. You can't just tell them that."

So she's been gone for six weeks and just got back a little over two weeks ago, and while she was gone I created this whole little life for myself, with new friends and sports and activities, and it's been hard trying to add her back in--not because I don't want to, but because I already have these established routines. And The Founder hasn't made it any easier, always wanting to hang out.

So Carolyn is moving in with me--not as a way to spend time together, as a solution to the problem of her having nowhere to live and me needing more money. But it will help, when we live together, because it will be default hanging out time. Maybe it will even encourage me to hang out at home! :-)

I was talking to my mom about that yesterday, about how I feel like I am so busy and everyone else I know has all this free time to read, go to Starbucks, and google stalk random hookups. She said it is because I do too much--but I like what I am doing! And I want to do more! But she is right, one of my main focuses when I came here was making friends, and then when my best friend died, it doubled that desire. It made me think that I want as many people around me as possible, whereas before I was happy with a few close friends and myself and my writing.

So the point of this is that life is hard to balance. It's hard to balance time with friends and time with yourself, much less adding in a boyfriend... which might be why I've never been interested in sacrificing time with friends or myself for a boyfriend. The Founder might be worth it though. And even if he doesn't end up being that serious, it is good for me to learn to balance everything.

I just hope that Carolyn isn't thinking that I'm the girl who ditches her best friends for a boy that's not even a boyfriend. I won't ever be that girl, friends are too important.

Do I "have it"?

I was filling up my car at the gas station today, leaning back in my driver's seat with my legs dangling out the door, reading a magazine while waiting for my huge tank to get filled with the $3 commodity I rely upon. I don't notice the person on the other side of the pump until I get up to unplug the pump from my car and he's staring at me (in a non-creepy way) and gives me a head nod. I smile and continue about my business, get in my car and leave, the whole time very self-conscious because he watched me the entire time.

He was attractive, he clearly found me attractive (or at least interesting in some way), but why was it so unsettling for him to watch me? I don't know if I am still getting used to the attention from men, or if it somehow feels different now that I am turning my attentions to only one man... am I going to come to rely on these random gas station interactions to prove that I "still have it," like one of my friends does? I don't want to need a random person's approval to think I "have it."

I wonder if R. thinks I'm hot. Like, when I walk in the door of his condo or walk out to greet him somewhere, does he look at me and go, "man, she is hot!"? I look at him and think, "man, he is good-lookin'!" and it makes me want to run up and put my arms around his trim waist and snuggle into his big shoulders. But does he feel the same? Does he see me and react the same way? Because if he does, he sure doesn't show it!

Maybe I have to "man up" and take the affection lead, as long as I'm going to take the lead with asking if he is my boyfriend. Might as well, it's not like I'm considering dating anyone else anyway, and sometimes I want to say something and have to just call him my friend, which is not really the truth.

My roomie comes to town tomorrow!

I know I'm still taking this me and R. thing too seriously, because when we're together it's good, so why worry about everything else, ya know? Like we don't need to talk every day, he doesn't need to call me back when there's nothing to say... and yet I wish he WANTED to. Although I don't know that he doesn't want to, I just know that he doesn't.

My old roomie is coming in to town this weekend, which I am excited about for many reasons, the least of which is that it will allow me to clear my head of R. thoughts. He'll be hanging out out with us, but that's what's important--he will be hanging out with US, not she will be hanging out with him and me.

I love this roomie, she is the sweetest, most genuine person but has the craziest sense of going out and partying... she's an amazing combo and I can't wait to see her again. Her brother is coming too, and he's the same as her, but in boy form. I love them both, which is why I'm so stoked for this weekend.

Also, the Cali boy from run club is still emailing me and might come with us to play volleyball on Saturday. I'm not trying to play anyone here, but I'm worried I'm getting into one of those situations where I am accidentally leading someone on... but I'm just being friendly, he's new to town, and I've never tried to hit on him. Then again, he's never met R.

I wonder if I should just ask R. if he's my boyfriend? Put it on him, right? But that still means I brought up the DTR... dang it!

Ok, I flipped out a tad

At least when I act like one of those crazy girls, I know it and come around...

So perhaps my fear of relationships has caused me to take this one just a smidge too seriously. Number one, he will come back from Dallas. I know I have issues about that because I was talking on the phone with my best friend, on his way to College Station, making plans for the weekend, and then he was killed in CS. That was only two months ago. But that's not normal, people normally return from trips. I also should be allowed to have this fear, but R. may not know I do, so to him I'm just acting crazy.

Which, admittedly, I AM. I'm so terrified of being in a relationship and it not working, so then I would swear off relationships altogether, that I am putting too much pressure on this relationship. I am hyper-analyzing every little thing, like why didn't he come over that night? (A: He had to pack and iron and get ready to leave... why didn't I go over?) Why didn't he kiss me goodbye? (A: we were in his office, and he did kiss both of my cheeks) Blah blah and failing to take enough note of those things which are important and should be weighted far more than these silly self-doubts: that he came to my mom's birthday dinner last week, that he routinely tells his co-workers about me and what I'm up to, that his mom asks about me, that he texted me last night at 1:30 am when he's happily out on the town, drunk, with all of his old friends.

Those are what matter, that he's thinking about me. And I have to keep reminding myself that it is in fact all of these things that make me still like him, and make me want to be in a relationship with him. Because were he too eager to hang out, I would be bored. So I am going to attempt to stop hyper-analyzing every little thing.

...like the fact that he hasn't responded to the text I sent him four hours ago... he's just busy enjoying his friends and family, and it's not like it really warranted a response...

Now I have a weekend goal: relax. Being in a relationship does not change who I am as a person. I do not wear this badge that says, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! So chill I will.