I enjoy posting in the afternoon as a way to wind down the day, but I can't help but post right now. So this weekend I got a surprise text from my ex-boyfriend. This isn't any old ex, though, this is THE EX. The ex that you could say broke my heart, but it goes beyond that, because we dated 5 years ago and something about him continues to pull at the heart strings (maybe his bimonthly phone calls?), which is as frustrating as it is utterly puzzling.
So I talked to him that night, partially because his dad died last summer and my best (guy) friend just died six weeks ago, so I thought he could relate like no one could, and partially because I was curious. He told me then that he had sent an email to an old account of mine, so obviously I had to go check it today.
Long story short, it read "i'm sorry" + a laundry list of things he had done to me... the most shocking being "not wanting to understand your feelings." I was impressed that he recognized that he didn't want to understand them, rather than thinking that he just didn't understand. See, he's a good guy after all?
Absolutely not!
He has, and all guys have, a friggin' radar. When a new romance is cropping up and I think I'm rid of THE EX forever, up he pops! Things are really good with R., who is my first legitimate romance since god knows when, possibly ever. It's definitely the first thing to start out this way--slow, easy, lots of hanging out but nothing physical, and no dates (yay! dates stress me out). The first thing since THE EX and me, anyway, who started out as basketball buddies before one thing led to another and our first kiss was in the parking lot outside of the gym.
Why does THE EX have to come along and confuse my heart, as much as I tell myself I won't let him? He still does, how can he not? He is my past, his manipulation of me is my legacy, and I can't ignore his significance in my life. Which isn't fair to R.! I just got done with his 21 year old competitor, and THE EX has to be reintroduced?
How IS it that exes have a radar for this sort of thing?!
Or is it me, somehow, like I let him in to sabatoge what I have going with R. because I am scared to get in a relationship because I don't want it to turn out like mine and THE EX's, which ironically ruins my chances of having anything but the bare threads of what once was a relationship between me and THE EX?!
This is ridiculous. You can see why I had to post now, because who can work under these conditions?!
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